I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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