the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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