either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
