Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize