you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Randomize
