Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
