It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
