i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
