Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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