i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
