I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
NoShamevember. You game?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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