i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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