I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
