all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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