Swine flu is the new snow day.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
