he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
