thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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