He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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