WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
