How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I smell stomach acid.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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