Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
