he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
