Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
