I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize