I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
