the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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