Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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