I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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