I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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