Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
