Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
