i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
