The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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