at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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