wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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