my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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