Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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