In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
