I forgot how hot balto sounded
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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