i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
