is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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