My cat gives me a boner
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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