you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
