Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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