Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
