3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize