Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I understand Curling. That high.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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