I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
