It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
