we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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