a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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