You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
