I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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