I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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