the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize