We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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